Should be Cranberries, if Interested in Improving.

Sometimes people get hungry. I’m not saying this to start an argument, because I’m sure there are some of you out there who would argue that no, people don’t get hungry–you’re just trying to stir things up. Believe me, naysayers, the only thing I’m trying to stir up is a big pot of awareness.

Snack awareness.

We’ve all been there. You’ve already eaten lunch. Dinner seems miles away. Yet the rumblings in your stomach tell you that your body craves yet another meal. When society gives you three as the allotted number of meals per day available to you, some individuals in our culture are hesitant to grab a fourth. As I write this, there is a movement by some (and by “some” I mean Taco Bell) to introduce a so-called “fourth meal.” I believe that, one day, future cultures will trace our upcoming plague of obesity to this movement. Because where there is a fourth meal, there will come a fifth. And after a fifth, a sixth. Soon, the days of the three-meal standard will become like an urban legend. Is this what you want, society?

The answer to less hunger is not more meals. The answer to less hunger is more snacks. There are, however two main problems with snacks as an attempt to stave off hunger.

1. Snacks are one-note–there is no cacophony of flavor when it comes to a snack. You eat it, and that’s it. It has no staying power.

2. There is usually not a great deal of choice when it comes to a snack. You are handed a Snickers or an apple and told to deal with it.

Of the five snacks available to me at my nearest disposal, three (in my estimation) are sub-par. Two keep the distinction of “acceptable.” We will get more into the details of my ratings later in this post.

In an effort to keep things democratic, I had a co-worker taste the same snacks as I did in a double-blind, zero-communication, no holds-barred taste test. By no means do I consider myself a culinary expert, and my taste buds are not the most refined in the world. I wanted to see if my co-worker (for privacy’s sake, we’ll call him Schmavid) had a similar reaction to the snacks I was tasting. That way, we could really get to the bottom of what snacks are best. I hate to see when a person, and it happens all the time, pops a snack into their mouth and has an adverse reaction. Because the thing about a lot of snacks is that they are bite-sized. It’s an all-or-nothing thing, like sushi. It’s actually worse with sushi because with that you may have no idea what you’re about to put in your mouth but everyone’s doing it, so you’re like okay, fine, this looks like chicken, I’ll eat it, but it’s not chicken, it’s some kind of raw fish-eyeball stew that you now have completely committed to and must swallow if you want to save any kind of face around your cool, fish-eyeball eating friends. You hate to see that happen.

All of the snacks below are bite-sized, and therefore deserve the most intense scrutiny.

1. The Dried Apricot

Angela: This is harder to chew than I thought it would be. Why would you dry an apricot. Broccoli-like, but citrus. Not worth it. 4.

David: Too crispy for a fruit, like a Gusher with no gush. Should be cranberries, if interested in improving. 5.

“Questionable” (Me)”Unfair” (David)

2. The Crunchy Trader Joe’s Oriental Rice Triangle Cracker

Angela: Before you chew this, it has a lot of flavor. But now that I’m leaving it in my mouth for a long time to detect all the flavor, it’s getting soggy and gross, and loses all texture and/or taste. I wonder if this is what it’s like to taste ice. 6.

David: Crunchy, like the Japanese work ethic. Notes of Fall, especially September-October. 7.

“interesting” (me)”now” (David)

3. The Cracker with Seeds

Me: This tastes like bread that is crunchier, more flavorful, and better than bread. Sandwiches should be made out of this. 10.

David: Nice “flavor story.” Tastes like a sad romance. Falls apart at the end, like Fight Club. 8.

“seed-licious” (me)”rustic” (David)

4. The Twisty, Crunchy Thing from the Oriental Rice Cracker Mix (Trader Joe’s)

Me: Like the other “asian snack” but more like a Cheeto (Cheetoh?) minus the knobs. Cheetos looks like they have arthritis. 4.

David: Not spicy enough, cocktease of flavor. Would pair well with disappointment in a family. 3.

“Is’asiansnack’offensive?” (Me)”Fuck you” (David)

5. The Gingersnap

Me: A house can be made out of this. I used to think you made gingerbread houses because that was the grossest cookie. Not anymore. This cookie is good. 9.

David: Better story than the cracker, punchline ending, like the end of Dr. Strangelove. Very 1959 Beverly Hills. 9.

“House” (Me)”Yes” (David)

Conclusions? There were a number of interesting things that came out of this experiment. One is that my drawing of an apricot is almost identical to my drawing of a ginger-snap. Clearly pen and ink is not my medium when it comes to detail. Secondly, when I wrote about the Crunchy Trader Joe’s Oriental Rice Triangle Cracker (#2), I wrote the word “failure” twice in the two areas that now read “flavor.” What the hell kind of Freudian slip is that that I insert failure into a description of a cracker when I meant to write flavor? Thirdly, David was a lot funnier than me in his commentary. I should probably not consult him again, as he makes me look bad.

To the people of America, more specifically those who shop at Trader Joe’s, where the majority of these snacks were purchased, I suggest that you pay close attention to the observations surrounding these five snacks. Rarely have so few snacks been thought about for so long by two people who should probably have been doing their jobs.