Fashion tips for Guys from a Girl who Will Never Wear a Turtleneck Sweater Again

I just read this blog post which has received a lot of attention lately. Yes, I’ll admit it’s hilarious. No, I had never thought about loose turtleneck sweaters that way. No, I will never wear one again.

I do have a few things to say, however, in response to the typical guy attitude that women’s fashions deserve to be mocked because “all women who make an effort to look good need to be belittled until they realize that looks are not everything. And then when they start wearing paper bags, we will leave them alone, because they’re not attractive enough to be bothered with.”

Guys love to make fun of girls for the exact things that they appreciate about them: their looks. Women, when making fun of men, don’t really focus on their clothes, because we have better things to make fun of them for (their hair, their face, etc.) However, on this occasion, I feel like the opportunity to make fun of guy clothes is warranted, because as much as guy’s claim to “know dick” about fashion, they still throw on clothes every day, and they don’t try to look idiotic on purpose. I assume.

1. Tight, super-skinny jeans

Heavily popular among the “emo” crowd, the tight skinny jean is a new way frame one’s testicles in a denim vise, inadvertently causing a spermatozoa genocide that no one is really taking the time to mourn. If you are wearing these pants you are pretty much guarantee that they will never be removed by anyone other than yourself. It’s obvious you’ve never had a real job: you walk like a cowboy on stilts.

2. Popped collar

This look, I believe, is on its way out. There are, however, still vestiges of popped collar in certain subcultures of our society. Its popularity is perhaps due to its versatility, as many shirts these days are graced with collars, and thus carry innately with them the irresistible urge of popping. There is nothing that screams “douchebag” louder than a popped collar.
3. “Hoodies”

I actually don’t have a problem with the idea of hooded sweatshirts, their pocket and hood are utilitarian and comfortable. My problem is when men use the term “hoodie.” Anything with a diminutive “ie” at the end denotes subject in question automatically as the property of an asshole. Example:

Example A. “Do you like my hooded sweatshirt?”

Example B. “Do you like my hoodie?”

Who are you must likely to punch in the face: A or B? I think we all know the answer.

4. messenger bags:

You’re not fooling anyone. I don’t usually try to shoot the messenger, but on this occasion I would make an exception.