Boy with Matches Started L.A. Wildfire

I just found this breaking news discovery.  Apparently a boy with matches started the LA wildfire that has been wreaking havoc on Southern California homes with the energy of a coked-out Olsen Twin on Winter Break home from NYU wildly upset at the fact that she no longer has a straight-to-video production to star in.  (I am of course talking about Mary Kate).

The wildfire has been going on for a long time.  Days, weeks, who knows anymore.  Houses have been charred blacker than Egyptian kohl eyeliner on the faces of ancient Pharaohs.  Beach bungalows have been crisped to a brittle structural condition not dissimilar to Helen Mirren’s ancient bones.  Lives have been ruined, reputations shattered, egos belittled, shame spirals begun.  Fire, that burning, destructive energy sent from the Heavens to destroy our livelihoods, has taken Los Angeles county by surprise with a sparking, catastrophic, conflagration that no one would expect in a dry, arid, overpopulated desert region historically prone to wildfires.

The anger over this disaster has caused many to question their beliefs.  That core sense of personal entitlement clung to by many in the Los Angeles area has been brutally shaken.  Doesn’t God know the value of a Southern California beach-front estate?  Doesn’t Yahweh see what is happening?  Amon-Ra?  Justin Timberlake?  Are the deities of our time on some kind of extended vacation, relaxing on their celestial  hammocks while California burns?

Luckily, the truth has been found out, and now anger over the “natural” disaster can be directed to the channel in which it correctly belongs.  There’s no need to be angry with God, in any of his/her/its forms; neither is there a reason to be angry at oneself.  The culprit of the Los Angeles fires has been found, in the form of one boy, with a book.  A book of matches.

According to USA Today, that periodical with a heavy circulation both online and within the nationwide Embassy Suites hotel chain, “Officials blamed a wildfire that consumed more than 38,000 acres and destroyed 21 homes last week on a boy playing with matches, and said they would ask a prosecutor to consider the case.”

Exhibit A

I’m sorry, did you say “ask” a prosecutor to “consider” the case?  This boy was literally playing with fire.  And I think we’ve all learned what happens to people who play with fire.

Exhibit B

That’s right.  It weakens America.  This boy, whose family has neglected to release his name or age (either out of shame or because the boy is actually a robot-boy bereft of age and/or any identifying characteristics), is single-handedly responsible for the destruction of property, physical harm, and emotional trauma in the greater Los Angeles Area.  The specific fire that he is “suspected” (*accusatory emoticon*) of starting is one of the 15 most destructive wild fires that have been occurring lately in the SoCal locale.  There was some attempt on the part of USA Today to “pass the buck,” so to speak, blaming the rapid spread of the fire in part on “ferocious winds,” but I personally believe that that was only an effort to preserve the patronage of their Embassy Suites clientèle, as it is an economy  business-traveler hotel which also caters to families, many of whom have boy sons.  USA Today’s patronizing tendencies aside, the article was refreshingly cutthroat while simultaneously fleeced of any specific details: an algorithm for effective news transmission if I’ve ever heard one.  The boy’s age was defined as “under 13,” but beyond that the reader was left wondering.  USA Today, in acting as a portal for the original AP press release, provided for its readers today a chance to witness real justice in its rawest form: the prosecution of a child playing with matches.

Mark my words, this case will become the hallmark case of our generation.  Since the discovery of fire, I don’t think that there has ever been a more exciting development in the world of fire.  And that includes this one trip I took to Universal Studios in the 4th grade where there was a live action “Backdraft” show with real fire.  Like, you could feel the fire, you were so close to the fire.  Terrifying.  I almost started to sweat, that’s how hot it was.  Glass was exploding, it was incredible.

Seriously, though, this kid needs to be locked up for life.